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You Don't Send Me Cock Pics

For the Pervers/Cité edition of Montreal's most fabulous open mic, GENDER BLENDER, I rewrote the lyrics to Barbra Streisand's classic, "You Don't Send Me Flowers." I also retitled it: "You Don't Send Me Cock Pics." You know a flirtation/relationship is over when the guy won't send you anymore cock pics. My advice to anyone on the receiving end of cock pics: save them in a special folder for a rainy day. And make sure to watch my performance! (Sorry for the sideways filming, but at least the audio is good!)

The Magic of Diana Ross

I don't think it ever occurred to me that Diana Ross could actually be a real human being--how could a woman of such flawless elegance and beauty ever be? For as long as I've been a fan, Diana has always been a fantasy. If you only knew how many times I have fantasized about being caught in a wind and rain storm, wearing a sequined leotard and a sheer cape. But last night at Montreal's Place des Arts, as I sat in my third row seat, three feet away from the center of the stage, the fantasy of Diana Ross was about to become reality. In just a few moments the lights would go down, the band would start to play, and Diana, off stage, would start to sing "I'm Coming Out." I was emotionally overwhelmed before the legend even appeared on stage.

For her glorious entrance, the diva wrapped herself in a big red, chiffon poof, which she eventually tore away to reveal a floor length, sequined gown with bat-wing sleeves. Throughout the course of the night, as she sang hit after hit after hit--"Baby Love," "You Can't Hurry Love," "Stop! In The Name of Love," "The Boss," "Touch Me in the Morning," "Ain't No Mountain High Enough" and a dozen more--she changed costumes four times, each gown covered top to bottom in sequins. I noticed delightedly that with each costume change, Ms. Ross also changed earrings. Each pair of earrings perfectly matched the gown they were paired with--now that is a commitment to glamour. That is the mark of a true diva legend glamazon. It's all about the details, honey. And being so close, I could see all the details! I was so close I could see the veins in her hands and her glitter nail polish... I could see a loose thread hanging from the first dress she wore... I could see the sensible, silver platform shoes she wore, which were the only things that hinted at her age, as they betrayed style for comfort. I was so close I could almost reach out and touch! When she sang "Upside Down," I danced like the disco dolly I am, and she noticed and grooved with me for a moment I will remember forever.   

From the moment she entered the stage until she took her last bow, I was mesmerized. And I was also emotional. I found myself welling up with tears at different moments in the show. I was emotional because being in such close proximity to greatness fills me with a kind of inspiration and awe that is simply overwhelming. I was emotional because Diana was more magical than I even dreamed she could be. Her energy is pure joy, pure light and I could feel my heart and the hearts of everyone there bursting with that joy--a palpable, profound, powerful joy that only an artist of real depth and authenticity can radiate. And that's what made me emotional most of all--the reality of Diana Ross, the realness of her spirit, her beauty and her artistry. Hers is an artistry that just doesn't exist any more. And that is also something that makes me emotional, but I won't go there now. Instead, I will spend the day basking in the glory of the sweetest love hangover... in the afterglow of DIANA ROSS! 

Digital Get Down: My Teenage Years Through Pop (1999-2004)

The early 2000s were pretty hideous years. When I think of that era, I think of Justin Timberlake's blond afro, I think of Xtina's leather chaps and of Britney pairing black, platform sneakers with a red latex body suit. I think of the garish, Ikea-sponsored set design of Destiny Child's "Say My Name" video and the denim jumper Jennifer Lopez wore on the cover of her J.Lo album. (J.Low was more like it... I think everything she wore at the time was purchased at Rainbow.) These memories make me instantly nauseous.

The new millennium became a visual and sonic theme for pop acts around the globe. I love a good theme but that was not a good theme. It yielded some of the most cringe-worthy moments in pop history. I dare you to revisit Will Smith's Willennium album and especially its lead single, "Will2K." This was the beginning of the cyber age and by 2001 having the internet at home was as important as having a television. I guess that's why everyone looked like they were dressed in bad HTML code.

For better or for worse, this was the age I grew up in--the hyperactive, candy-colored age of TRL, belly button piercings and Teen People (I remember having the issue with 98 degrees on the cover. I think I bought it because Nick Lachey was shirtless in one of the photos). Pop music was everything to me during my teenage years. Our local radio station used to do a Top 6 at 6 countdown every night, and I'd listen with my fingers on both the "Play" and "Record" buttons of my BoomBox, ready to capture my favorite songs on a blank cassette. Of course the music industry and the way we consume music was about to change forever. When Napster exploded, blank CDs replaced my blank cassettes.

My favorite store in our mall was HMV. I remember counting down the days until the release of Madonna's Music album. I didn't even know what the album cover looked like until I went to pick up my copy on September 19th, 2000 (I didn't even need to use Wikipedia to validate it, the date is so ingrained in my memory). Thanks to the internet, I've never experienced that kind of surprise ever again. The first time I heard the album's lead single was on a road trip to Quebec City with my mother and sister. "Is that Madonna? I think it's Madonna! OMG it's Madonna's new single! Mom, turn it up quickly!"

I spent my teenage years in the closet, hiding--hiding my love for Mariah Carey! But who was I fooling? How could anyone resist the bubbly bliss of "Heartbreaker"? And I adored the video. I would sit through hours of horrible shit like LimpBizkit and Sum41 on MuchMusic just to catch Mariah in all her post-Butterfly, look-at-my-body glory. That's what you had to do to catch your favorite videos. I didn't want to love Mariah, and I definitely didn't want to admit I wanted to be her, but let's face it: had I been a girl in high school, I'd have been taking all my fashion cues from Rainbow-era Mariah. I'd have been the girl constantly getting sent to the principal's office for dressing like a hoe. And you can bet your ass I would have said "hell no" to the lost-and-found sweatshirt they would have tried to put on me.

Another major pop moment for me was Kylie Minogue's "Can't Get You Out Of My Head." My only previous experience of Kylie was her performance of "Kids" with Robbie Williams at the MTV Europe Awards. I remember thinking to myself, "who is that slut rubbing herself up on my man?" I was so jealous of her because Robbie was my ultimate heartthrob. So when "CGYOOMH" came out and I realized it was by the same bitch who was trying to steal my man, I hated it (but, deep down, I loved it). Very soon I was under the charm and spell of Ms. Minogue. She quickly became my biggest teenage idol. I was--and still am--totally obsessed with her. The North American pop scene at the time desperately needed some sophistication and maybe that's why Kylie was finally able to crack the American market. Fever became my most listened to album. I remember listening to it on my discman--yes, a discman!--and pining over all the hot, older boys at school I wanted to blow. Fever, like my teenage years, was all about lust and unrequited love.

In about 10 years from now, the early 2000s will be all the rage once more. Girls will start piercing their belly buttons again and boys will gel their hair into little spikes with frosted, blond tips. W magazine, if magazines still exist, will do a fashion story about the return of head-to-toe denim. Allow me to warn you now: like the first time around, it won't be pretty. But it might just be a little fun.

Here is a list of my teenage self's Top 25 songs: 

1. "Music" by Madonna
2. "Heartbreaker" by Mariah Carey
3. "I Begin to Wonder" by Dannii Minogue
4. "Can't Get You Out of my Head" by Kylie Minogue
5. "Work It" by Missy Elliott
6. "Pop" by Nsync
7. "Ex-Girlfriend" by NoDoubt
8. "He Wasn't Man Enough for Me" by Toni Braxton
9. "Faded" by SoulDecision
10. "Beautiful" by Christina Aguilera
11. "All For You" by Janet Jackson
12. "Different Kind of Love Song" by Cher
13. "Play" by Jennifer Lopez
14. "Murder On the Dancefloor" by Sophie Ellis-Bextor
15. "I'm a Slave 4 U" by Britney Spears
16. "Family Affair" by Mary J. Blige
17. "One More Time" by Daft Punk
18. "Hands Clean" by Alanis Morissette
19. "Who's That Girl" by Eve
20. "Bootylicious" by Destiny's Child
21. "Lady Marmalade" by Christina Aguilera, Mya, Pink & Lil' Kim
22. "Don't Tell Me" by Madonna
23. "Doesn't Really Matter" by Janet Jackson
24. "Try Again" by Aaliyah
25. "Hey Baby" by No Doubt

I Am No Man: Tranna Wintour Live in Montreal

On Saturday May 10th I performed my one-woman show, I Am No Man, to a packed crowd at Cafe L'Artere in Montreal. I cannot even begin to describe what the experience was like and I'm sorry to use a cliche, but it was a dream come true.
We recorded the audio of the show but we were limited in our equipment and couldn't record the audience, but you can still hear the laughs. There were a few technical issues with the sound on the songs, so instead of calling this a proper live album, let's call it a bootleg. I am so happy that the magic of that night was recorded and I am so happy to be able to share it with you (for a limited time only!). The bootleg is yours to download for free right HERE.
Thank you to everyone who helped me make this show possible, thank you to those who came, and thank you to all who have been so supportive and encouraging. I love you!

I Am No Man

Dear lovely readers,

I apologize for the lack of new content on my blog over the past month and a half. I have been working furiously on my upcoming one-woman show, I Am No Man, which is happening May 10th. This project has been taking up all of my time and creative energy. Once the show is over, this blog will be back up and running. In the meantime you can always follow me on Twitter (@TrannaWintour) and Instagram (Tranna Wintour) where I continue to post fabulous little things.

I sincerely hope that if you're in the Montreal area, you will come to my show. It is a labor of love and I've never been prouder of anything I've done. The show is hilarious and glamorous and just so fucking fabulous, you'd be crazy to miss it! Again, it's happening Saturday May 10th at Cafe L'Artere (7000 Parc Ave, near the Parc metro station) at 8:00pm. See you there!

Love, Tranna

The Diary of a Tranny Comedienne

Last night was my first comedy performance of the year and it was great. I'm trying to be a bit more improvisational in my work on stage, and based on last night I think it's a good direction to be heading in. The show took place at a wonderful, warm, artsy little cafe in Montreal called Cafe Aleatoire. The audience was a bit on the mellow side, but they were hip and fun. Here is my set... enjoy!

Going Down to Sandyland: A Review of Sandra Bernhard at Joe's Pub

When writing about Sandra Bernhard, it's all too easy to fall back on superlatives--amazing, brilliant, magnificent, incredible--but as true and accurate as those words may be, they do not begin to do the complexity of Ms. Bernhard's work any justice. Sandra's shows are always a multi-layered affair. It's such a thrill to get lost in the webs and tales she spins, it's like getting lost in Paris, or some other fabulous, foreign city, and stumbling onto the coolest places and people. In some instances, experiencing Sandra on stage is like taking a step through the looking glass. "Sandyland," which is the title of the new show, is very much a Wonderland for the 21st century.

From December 26th to the 31st, Sandra performed "Sandyland" at Joe's Pub for her always eagerly anticipated annual holiday residency. This year's show was more personally revealing than anything I've seen Sandra perform before. It was a journey into La Bernhard's private world, which began with a mystical rendition of "If You Could Read My Mind."* Her world is a dizzying trip... one minute she's in France exchanging e-mails with Andre Leon Talley, Sandyland's very own Mad Hatter, and the next she's getting hugged by a strange lady in the lobby of a sketchy Sheraton hotel. In a nutshell, that's what "Sandyland" is all about: contrast and irony--the irony of an accomplished, legendary, iconic performer who, for better or for worse, has remained an underground artist.

The musical highlight of the show was a medley of Roxette's "Listen to Your Heart" and Heart's "Alone." Sandra has a unique, magical ability to transform the corniest songs into profound, substantial emotional moments. Only Sandra could make Roxette sound like Oasis. She manages to unearth a life and poignancy in these songs that no one else knew existed.  As she repeated the words "listen to your heart," the lyrics suddenly became a mantra, a plea... a plea for people to look inward and to reconnect with what really matters. It was Sandra taking a stand against the mediocrity and shallowness spawned by social media... It was a moment of spirituality and serenity amidst the very noisy, chaotic times we're living in. When Sandra was singing, you could feel this sense of warmth and unity in the room. It was a moment I wanted to hold onto for as long as I could.

The last stop on the "Sandyland" journey was an outrageous, unforgettable rendition of Miley Cyrus' "Wrecking Ball," which Sandra mashed up with Journey's "Don't Stop Believing." What a moment that was. For the song, Sandra donned a white tank top and a white pair of men's boxer-briefs. The expression on her face was one of mock defiance. When Sandra came on the scene in the late 70s, she came in like a wrecking ball, changing the game and what it meant to be a woman in the entertainment business. What have the current ladies of pop--Rihanna, Miley, Katy Perry, Gaga, etc.--done for us lately? Absolutely nothing. And that was the whole point of Sandra's "Wrecking Ball" performance. I saw it as an attack against the instant fame—born from reality TV and social media—that has dominated the pop culture landscape of the past few years. To drive the point home, Sandra even pretended to take a "selfie" with her tongue sticking out a la Miley midway through the song.

Sandra is everything today’s crop of insta-celebrities is not: she’s authentic. And she’s a star. A real star in the same way Bette Midler is a star. Stars like that don’t really exist any more. All we have now are celebrities on instagram. And that is precisely why Sandra’s work is more important than ever (and I mean that sincerely, without the slightest bit of exaggeration). After 30 years in the business, Sandra is still very much the wrecking ball she was when she first burst onto the comedy scene. Now she’s tearing down the bullshit, superficiality and emptiness of our culture and, in their place, offering work that is challenging, deep and provocative, as she always has. It’s the kind of work that could potentially save pop culture and pop culture is in desperate need of being rescued. If anyone can do it, it’s Ms. Bernhard.

*Note: Streisand covered "If You Could Read My Mind" on her Stoney End album, and last year at Joe's Pub, Sandra opened the show with a cover of "Stoney End"--there's nothing coincidental in Bernhard's work, and I loved the continuity of this year and last year's opening numbers.

A dream come true: Sandra and me.

2013 In Pop Culture: A Review in One Liners

Robin Thicke is a douche bag, but given the chance I'd still probably blow him.

Miley Cyrus is not worth talking about.

It didn't change the world the way I was hoping it would, but Cher's album was brilliant and the best pop album of the year.

Hearing Bette Midler as Sue Mengers call Barbra Streisand a cunt was the greatest moment in live theatre of 2013.

My ears were so relieved Rihanna did not release a new album this year.

Lady Gaga officially sealed her fate as the new Cyndi Lauper.

Apparently Celine Dion is still popular.

Nothing was more devastating this year than "selfie" becoming a real word.

The new Goldfrapp and Pet Shop Boys albums were the only other albums worth getting besides Cher's.

Anna Wintour became even more powerful this year as she became artistic director for Condé Nast--all hope of Vogue becoming relevant again has been lost.

Madonna proved she has lost all touch with reality as she tried to change the world through art with something called "Secret Project" that nobody cared about.

Beyonce is an incredible business woman and I respect how she's maintained her dignity despite her enormous fame... she has not turned her private life into a spectacle for the sake of entertainment, which is so rare these days, but I will never understand how anyone can listen to her sing for more than 10 minutes straight without getting a migraine.

Instagram has taken the concept of "keeping up with the Jones'" and consumer greed to a whole new, horrifying level... we are living in dark, mediocre and superficial times.

I sincerely hope in 2014 people put down their smart phones, wake the fuck up and get reconnected with reality... I know, I'm a dreamer.

Tranna Wintour 2014 Calendar

It's finally here... my official 2014 calendar! Let the glamour into your life! This is my Christmas gift to you and you can easily re-gift it! Just download it, print it and gift it!
I'd also like to take this moment to thank everyone who has been so supportive of me this year as I pursue my dreams. I hope you all follow your dreams in the new year, as corny as that it sounds. I wish you all lots of love and happiness. Merry Christmas, baby!

CLICK HERE to download the HQ calendar PDF for 8.5" by 11" paper!
CLICK HERE to download the HQ calendar PDF for 11" by 17" paper!

Disco Aesthetic

My favorite fashion era is, without question, the late 70s--disco! It was a time of pure, unashamed glamour. The looks, defined by Halston, were super sexy but incredibly chic. That time period has been the greatest influence on my own personal style. Anything I buy has to be at least a little bit disco. Basically what that means is that any ensemble I put together must contain at least one of the following: sheer material, sequins, feathers, a giant slit, or a bat-wing sleeve. I was watching some of Amanda Lear's old performance videos from that time period, and I came across an ensemble that has all the elements I just listed. I had a total fashion orgasm... it may be the greatest thing anyone has ever worn.

Happy (Canadian) Thanksgiving!

I am thankful for my beautiful friends and family... I adore you. I am thankful for red lipstick and hot men who love to take their shirts off. I am thankful for the work of Sandra Bernhard and John Waters. I am thankful that--at least for now--record stores still exist. I am thankful to be performing, to be living out my dreams, as corny as that may sound, and I am so thankful for everyone who's been supportive. I am thankful that after everything she's been through, Liza Minnelli is still alive and still performing. I hope today finds you thankful for all the good things in your life and surrounded by lots of love.

© Tranna Wintour, 2019.